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© 2019 by Bayonne Hutchinson. 

SELFISH

A NEW YEAR

JANUARY  16, 2019

Having a few extra vacation days left to end 2018 was just what I needed to plan for the New Year and reflect on the past year. I woke up on December 31 staring at my personal To-Do Listboard hanging on my bedroom wall with unchecked bullets and smudged marker stains. I started to think about my goals for the New Year and different ways to accomplish them. I then glanced over at my vision board on the opposite wall, crafty and colorfully organized within its frame, which detailed all of my big goals. Well … I’m a lot closer to those goals; I assured myself after sinking into the feeling of disappointment for not achieving many of my goals in 2018.

As I sat enjoying my breakfast that morning while playing Lo-Fi Beats in the background. My mind raced with plans and new ideas. How can I make this New Year an unprecedented year for me? I questioned myself, as I lifted the last spoonful of oatmeal to my mouth. A sudden need for true soul searching sunk through my body. I realized that I would really want to get to the point in my life where I feel at peace with who I am. Not to just say I love myself or that I want the best for myself; but to feel it, practice it, and live like it in every way, each day. I quickly got up and placed the dishes in the sink and erased everything on my board. I then scribbled the words “2019, the year of self” at the bottom. As I analyzed what I wrote, I took a step back and placed the cover back on the marker. While I stared at the board, I came to the realization that I would like 2019 to be the year of self-awareness, self-love, and a year to work on my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. I would like the New Year to be a year where I consciously focus on bettering myself each day.

I dragged my husband into my re-evaluation as I paced the bedroom floor while twisting the marker around my fingers. “I would like to truly focus on myself in a way that I have never done before” I said out loud, getting his attention. “I would like to truly examine myself, my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths, my goals, the things that I believe are true and the stories I repeat to myself each day that limits me. I want to be able to say yes to things that I’m uncomfortable with, knowing that after doing it I would have grown from the experience. I want to be able to say no to people without feeling guilty. I would like to inspire and be inspired. I would like to accept my failures, reflect on them, and then grow from each experience, instead of feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I would like to focus on myself in a way that I hold myself accountable for the things I promised to change or do by practicing self-discipline daily.”

As my husband continued to listen, I continued to talk. The word selfish in its technical use is not a positive term; however, I personally think that there are moments in everyone’s life when being selfish is the only thing that can be done to maintain some sense of sanity and to better oneself. When you are able to take that opportunity to grow further into becoming your greatest self and not wait for permission from others to tell you that it is okay to take a break and think about your well-being and take care of yourself. Having the strength to say, “no, I need to focus on me” can be tough but having that selfishness at times is vital for personal growth.

My goal now is to let go of all that I was thought and all of the things that I believed to be true about myself and my potential or lack of. Also, to live my truth from the inside out and to always look within and search for all of the answers on this beautiful journey call “my life”.