October 17, 2018

GREAT

BECOMING MY GREATEST SELF

As a child I never felt beautiful. I would look at celebrities and other girls around me and compare myself. Picking at all the things that I hated about my look and my body. Elementary and Junior High School did not make it any easier. From the constant bullying and teasing, to the occasional fights to defend myself, my self-esteem weakened each day. I hated everything about school. I was known as the ugly, shy, awkward kid.

I obviously could not be beautiful if I had never heard those words said to me before. My young mind could not conceive the contrary. Having gone through depression during that period in my life music became one of my sources of healing. Listening to The Fray, The All-American Rejects, Maroon 5 and a list of other bands and artists was one of the keys that were able to get me through those difficult times. I tried hiding my pain from my family and for the most part it seemed like to them my anger and frustrations were just normal signs of being a teenager.

Things became a little easier at the end of Junior High. My love for fashion peeked and so did my confidence and the love I had for myself. I met my first love; we dated all through High School and into College. He confirmed all the wonderful things I knew about myself deep down. We later ended our five-year relationship with mutual respect for each other and I left with a better understanding of who I was as a woman.

Acknowledging the woman I am now has been pretty amazing to reflect upon. Knowing that my 13, 14, or 15 year-old self would not have conceived my current reality is pretty incredible. I strive every day to continue on the path of true acceptance of myself and continuous learning. My struggle has helped me to care deeply for those who are still finding their voices and for any human being who is struggling with bullies of any kind.

From my struggle I learned that I would sometimes determine my self-worth based on my insecurities. I realized that no one could say something to you with intentions to hurt you and then succeed at the end if you have not made that agreement about yourself already. Through soul searching and acceptance of who I was, I was able to find beauty in the good and the bad about myself. I then used that to grow and strive to become a greater me.

If at any point God chooses to bless my husband and I with the greatest responsibility of raising children. My hope is that we are able to show them the importance of love –first of all, to love themselves, to share love and to help others to do the same while living out their purpose.

Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

—Eleanor Roosevelt

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© 2019 by Bayonne Hutchinson.