October 10, 2018

PROUD

GAINING WEIGHT AFTER MARRIAGE

So, 20 lbs? Really? Yep, that’s the weight you’ve gained Bayonne. Those were the words I repeated to myself as I stood in my misty bathroom on the glass scale that was delivered a few hours before. But wait, did I make sure that it was at zero first? I’ll just step off just to make sure. Then, I’ll try again. Okay, third try— as I yelled out, damn! My husband quickly responding, “you’re okay Bay?”

No, no I’m not okay.

Instantly I thought about the moment my sister and I were shocked to see someone that we both seen in passing. This person recently got married, a month or so ago, we thought. Noticing how much weight she gained, we thought — wow!

“What happened?” We murmured secretly to each other. “That will not be me. I’m going to make sure I keep my body nice and tight when I get married.” Well, it seems like my reality is now looking like quite the contrary.

How did I get to this? I thought to myself as I picked up the scale from the bathroom floor. Looking to see if there were any broken parts. Maybe it’s my new found love with cooking or the love hate relationship I have with exercise. Whatever it was I needed to get back to being ‘Me’, the ‘Me’that was 20 lbs lighter. The ‘Real Me’ I thought.

 

As I looked to preparing dinner I thought about the family functions I attended recently and was greeted with sharp statements like “ah ah … you’re putting on weight” or “you getting fat!” I have always thought of those statements as a formal greeting, being around my Grenadian family members. It was always something everyone said. I always dislike hearing it, even if it was not addressed to me. It seemed to me like a normal greeting. Similarly to when people say — Hi, how are you? But don’t necessarily care to wait for a response. Grenadians seem to make those statements just because everyone says it and because it’s just something to say; like a conversation starter.

Well …. on today’s menu was vegan alfredo pasta. As I twirled my fork around the creamy goodness I paused and asked my husband, who already had a mouth full, “does this mean I will have to stop making this?” No, he said as he prepared his next fork full. Well yeah, you’re right. Maybe all I need to do is continue making all the delicious vegan food I make but exercise more often. Yep, I was comfortable with that decision. I will start tomorrow I thought, although at this point I am still on the path to attaining my goal.

The true struggle comes from accepting myself and continually correcting the judgments I place on myself each day. Learning to accept myself in each moment and stage in my life has been a battle. Acknowledging that I am not at my ideal goal as yet but practicing gratitude, appreciation, and having the understanding of my present moment and present state is something that I continue to practice everyday. Being proud of who I am at each point in my life brings about a new appreciation for the journey towards my goal and allows me to be more motivated to create new goals.

“Have goals so big that you get uncomfortable sharing them with small minded people.”​

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© 2019 by Bayonne Hutchinson.